When Hobbits Attack
by PyroStriker
Summary: What happens when I shrink a certain spike-haired pyromaniac and give him a ring with the power to destroy Middle Earth? Pfft, what do YOU think, genius? Chapter 4: The amazing plotless chapter, and Striker discovers the bane of society: bad advertising.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: OK, I thought this idea up at about 11:00 last night and spent about an hour and a half stewing in bed thinking about it. Since Freefall got to Monty Python and the Holy Grail first (EVIL woman!), I decided to throw what little remains of my reason to the winds and go ahead with it. If it sucks, let me know, because like I said, it was a spur-of- the-moment thing.  
  
If you have any problems with the way I cast the characters, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to deal with it. I cast the LoD characters into their LotR roles in the way that I thought would be funniest. Keep in mind that these are my vastly warped characters. If you read humor fics on a regular basis, you should be used to massive OOC-ness.  
  
OK, enough of that, on with the insane parody!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Dart: Why are we doing this? There's already a Lord of the Rings movie!  
  
Striker: Duh, I've seen both and have the first on video. You think I don't know that? This is merely done for my deranged amusement, and the deranged amusement of those who actually read my parodies.  
  
Lloyd: O_O We're in another parody?  
  
Dart: You didn't tell him?  
  
Striker: Of COURSE I didn't tell him. He'd just bolt, in a foolish attempt to spare his own sanity.  
  
Lloyd: *bolts*  
  
Striker: See? *smacks Lloyd over the head with the sharp end of a plastic shovel*  
  
Lloyd: *falls over*  
  
Albert: Haven't you learned that attempting to escape from the parodies is totally futile yet?  
  
Lloyd: But I hate these things! I'm always cast as the moron!  
  
Lavitz: Dude, there's only been one other parody and you're the main villain.  
  
Albert: That's true. The stupidity came from the actor, not the role.  
  
Lloyd: *long pause* Shut up!  
  
Striker: Okey dokey, let's get on with this. *points at Dart* Oogala boogala shnoogala moogala noogala toogala voogala crispy bacon!  
  
Dart: Crispy bacon? *poof* *is shrunk*  
  
Striker: *rubs hands together* Excellent. Hobbit size.  
  
Dart: What? How come I have to be a hobbit?  
  
Striker: Because you're the main character in LoD, and because the thought of a pyromanic hobbit with spiky hair amuses me.  
  
Dart: *pouts*  
  
Striker: Let's see, who's next? *points at Lavitz*  
  
Lavitz: If this involves the words 'crispy bacon', heads will roll.  
  
Striker: *falls over laughing*  
  
Dart: I think that sentence amused him in some deranged way sane people can't understand.  
  
Lavitz: Probably.  
  
Striker: *snaps fingers at Lavitz*  
  
Lavitz: *suddenly dressed like Strider* O_o Schweet.  
  
Dart: No fair! How come he gets to be the Ranger/King of Gondor and I get stuck being the hobbit?  
  
Striker: *sighs and hands him the Ring*  
  
Dart: O_O Yay! *summons an army of darkness to obey his every command*  
  
Striker: *smacks Dart and takes the Ring back* None of that! *waves to the army* Get out of here, all of you!  
  
*long pause*  
  
Dark Soldier: Who wants pizza?  
  
Evil Army: Yeah! *roar and go off to storm the nearest pizza parlor*  
  
Striker: Ah, good enough.  
  
Albert: Was it a good idea to give him the REAL Ring?  
  
Striker: Eh, probably not. But how else is he going to disappear?  
  
Albert: Special effects?  
  
Striker: You think I can afford special effects? The budget for this film is two bucks. And maybe about fifty cents worth of pocket lint.  
  
Albert: So as an alternative, you cross dimensions and steal the real thing?  
  
Striker: Yup! *looks pleased with self*  
  
Albert: Wouldn't it be difficult to obtain, much less to use?  
  
Striker: Bah, not even the wrath of Sauron can stand up to the power of Author Magic!  
  
Lavitz: I don't doubt that. Remember what he did to that Swiss army?  
  
Dart: Wrong fic.  
  
Lavitz: Oh yeah. Still, I wouldn't wanna get in his way when he DOESN'T revive you afterwards anyway.  
  
Albert: Indeed.  
  
Striker: Your turn! *snaps fingers at Albert*  
  
Albert: *is suddenly dressed as Legolas*  
  
Horde of Rabid Fangirls: *appears out of nowhere* LEGOLAS!  
  
Albert: Oh... no...  
  
Horde of Rabid Fangirls: *mass tackle* *thrown backwards by some invisible force*  
  
Striker: Fully equipped with an Anti-Fangirl Magnetic Shield.  
  
Albert: *stops huddling in a corner* Thank SOA...  
  
Striker: You should be thanking ME, but nooooooo...  
  
Albert: You've also dragged me into this in the first place.  
  
Striker: *long pause* Shut up.  
  
Albert: One question. Why did you give Lavitz the role of Strider? At least I really AM a king.  
  
Striker: Yes, but you're too bookish for Strider. Besides, the thought of Lavitz as Legolas scares me.  
  
Albert: Lloyd could play Legolas...  
  
Striker: He'd have too much fun with it. I learned that after I made him Sephiroth. His head doesn't need to get any more swollen than it already is.  
  
Lavitz: You REALLY don't like Lloyd, do you?  
  
Striker: Nope. *smacks Lloyd with a volume of War and Peace for no reason*  
  
Lloyd: X_x  
  
Albert: Since you've got Rose playing Arwen and Miranda as Eowen, does that mean that the pairings in this fic would be Lavitz/Rose and Lavitz/Miranda?  
  
Striker: *pause* Yeah, I guess it would. I never really thought about that.  
  
Lavitz: I have got to have the best damn role in this entire movie. Strider smokes too, right?  
  
Striker: Yep.  
  
Lavitz: So I don't have to go on Nicorette?  
  
Striker: Nope.  
  
Lavitz: It doesn't get any better than this.  
  
Striker: You're welcome.  
  
Rose: I refuse to...  
  
Striker: Rose, do you remember how I got you into the first parody?  
  
Rose: I had a choice?  
  
Striker: Not really, but let me refresh your memory. *holds up a picture of Zeig hanging over a pit of acid*  
  
Rose: *grumbles* Striker: Good enough. *snaps fingers at Haschel*  
  
Haschel: *dressed as Gandalf* YES! I get a decent part this time!  
  
Striker: Consider yourself lucky that there aren't any other old foagies in the group. *snaps fingers at Kongol*  
  
Kongol: *is Gimli* *starts crying* Waaaah! Kongol short!  
  
Shana: What about me?  
  
Striker: You're useless. Go away.  
  
Shana: *runs off crying* *gets eaten by a rabid shrew*  
  
Dart: O_o Shrew?  
  
Striker: *shrug*  
  
Dart: What about the other hobbits?  
  
Striker: Bah, I hadn't thought about them... oh hell, we'll just use the real ones. *snaps fingers*  
  
Sam, Merry, and Pippin: *fall out of the air* Ow. *look around* *gasp*  
  
Sam: *pokes Dart* You are not Mister Frodo! IMPOSTER! *kicks Dart in the shin*  
  
Dart: X_x Ow!  
  
Pippin: I'm hungry.  
  
Merry: O_o  
  
Striker: Right. Let's get this freak show started.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
*Meanwhile, in a nearby Round Table Pizza...*  
  
Clerk: Uh, sir? There's an evil army of darkness at the counter...  
  
Manager: Take their orders. Good for business. Make sure to give them a group discount. We don't want to make them unhappy.  
  
Clerk: But sir... they're eating the other customers...  
  
Manager: Damn, then they won't be buying appetizers. Ah well.  
  
Clerk: I don't think you get it. They're EATING the other customers.  
  
Manager: This is corporate America, kid! Survival of the fittest. Now get a move on or you'll be another zit-faced punk without a job!  
  
Dark Soldier: *finishes eating an old lady* *burp*  
  
Clerk: O_o;  
  
Author's Note: Mwahaha... first chapter over. Next ones will be funnier, I hope, this was kind of just getting the whole thing started. But review anyway so I know this was a good idea! 


	2. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if...

.Author's Note: Well, due to the tremendous positive response, I've decided to come out with the second chapter a little earlier than I expected. Now, to respond to all the special reviews which got me so inspired.  
  
Songwind, you read my mind. Lloyd will be Saruman. As for Sauron himself... well, we'll have to wait and be surprised, won't we?  
  
Aerena, I have a feeling this will be a sort of cross-parody from both the books and the movies. Although I have a slightly better grasp of the events of the books than is shown in the movies, I unfortunately don't have the time to go through every page of all three books to get in all the details.  
  
As for future casting opportunities, Lloyd is Saruman, as I already mentioned. I did consider Zior as Elrond, but I ultimately gave him the role of Theoden. I'm seriously considering Savan as Elrond, but that decision isn't set in stone quite yet. For Galadriel I haven't decided yet, although Lisa and Emille would be interesting, undoubtedly.  
  
As for poor Albert/Legolas... I imagine you'll know your opportunity once it is revealed, Harle...  
  
As opposed to previous chapters, narration will now be placed in parentheses. It makes it easier for me. Scene changes, however, will still be indicated by a line of asterisks.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
(We join the dark army summoned by Dart in the previous chapter slightly after the Round Table incident. The pizza parlor, not surprisingly, has been reduced to smoking rubble. The horde has relocated itself to the local bar, and are busy wasting themselves while impersonating drunk Germans. By the way, if anyone particularly cares, the clerk made it out alive by feeding the legion the late manager of the Round Table as a peace offering.)  
  
Dark Soldier 1: *drains his mug and impersonates German accent* Ist dieses nicht lhre kitty katze? (Translation: Is this not your kitty cat?)  
  
Dark Soldier 2: *also impersonating German accent* Ja, ist die meine kitty katze! (Translation: Yes, that is my kitty cat!)  
  
All: *burst into drunken laughter for no reason*  
  
(Yes, that was random and completely pointless. Enjoy.)  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(After leaving that somewhat disturbing scene, we find ourselves with the author/director, the LoD gang, and three very unfortunate hobbits.)  
  
Striker: Aaaaaaand... action!  
  
Dart: *lying around on the hillside, trying to picture the entire expanse of dry grass on fire* Damned author, taking away my lighter... poor Zippo... *sniff* *hears Gandalf's cart coming* Fireworks! Emphasis on FIRE! *runs into the road and is immediately run over by a cart going way too fast*  
  
Lloyd: *driving the renegade cart, whose speed is explained by the fact that the crazed Wingly has swapped the horse for a pair of jet engines* Mock MY love of Care Bears, will you? *sends cart to screeching halt, eyes bulging* Revenge is indeed sweet, foolish mortals!  
  
Striker: You're STILL in the wrong parody, Lloyd!  
  
Dart: *somehow managed to survive, but is now covered in wheel tracks* Someone hasn't had their daily snuggle time!  
  
Lloyd: *goes into violent spasm of twitching*  
  
Albert: *sighs* Not AGAIN... this is the fifth time in what... twelve minutes?  
  
Lavitz: Actually, I'm finding this rather amusing.  
  
Albert: Of course, but we need to get on with this accursed movie if we're ever going to get out of this place.  
  
Lavitz: What's got your boxers in a knot?  
  
Albert: Crude refrences to my underwear aside, this would be the most likely reason. *indicates swarm of fangirls that are still attempting to hurl themselves at him, only to be thrown backwards by the magnetic shield*  
  
Lavitz: Ah yes.  
  
Striker: Let us recollaborate and attempt that frame set once more.  
  
Kongol: Author starting to sound like Albert king. Big words confuse Kongol.  
  
Striker: Kongol, for you,'three' is a big word.  
  
Kongol: *long pause* Hey! That not nice!  
  
Striker: Tell me something I don't know. Take 2! Action!  
  
(Later, Dart and Haschel are riding in on Gandalf's cart, going into the Shire for the first time.)  
  
Dart: O_o Damn, dude...  
  
Haschel: You used Minitos for the Shire hobbits?  
  
Striker: Well, it was either them or the Keebler elves, so...  
  
Haschel: Why not just bring the real hobbits here?  
  
Striker: Because I LIKE Minitos, smartypants. They're short and have funny colored hair!  
  
Dart: I thought they were extinct...  
  
Striker: Pfft. That's what they want you to think. There's actually an abnormally large Minito population in subterreanean caves beneath Chicago...  
  
Dart and Haschel: O_o  
  
Striker: What? They swiped Wingly technology, crossed dimensions, and now live in caves burrowed underneath major cities.  
  
Dart: And you know this because...?  
  
Striker: It is not your position to question my knowledge, only to bask in its glory.  
  
Albert: *snorts*  
  
Lavitz: Dude, I wouldn't do that if I were you. His magic is the only thing keeping you from unspeakable horrors beyond your imagination...  
  
Albert: May I reverse that previous exclamation?  
  
Striker: Only because we're in the middle of filming and I don't feel like taking down the shield at the moment.  
  
Albert: Thank you.  
  
(Albert goes off to cower with his stuffed doggie somewhere.)  
  
Albert: Hey! I PREFER 'huddle with his plush canine'.  
  
(Whatever.)  
  
Albert: *grumble*  
  
Striker: He started out as the sane one.  
  
Lavitz: Except whenever we passed a Barnes & Noble.  
  
Striker: Well, yeah, but that's a given.  
  
Merry and Pippin: *accidentally fry themselves* X_x  
  
Haschel: Let me guess. You couldn't afford normal fireworks, so you swiped some from the real Gandalf.  
  
Striker: I'm insulted you could suggest such a thing! I ASKED for them!  
  
Haschel: Asked?  
  
Striker: Well, OK, I poked him with his own staff until he gave them to me, but that's not the point!  
  
Haschel: And how many different animals did he turn you into?  
  
Striker: 12. Frog, walrus, gnat, woodpecker, sloth...  
  
Haschel: Nevermind.  
  
Striker: *revives Merry and Pippin*  
  
Dart: *shoving fireworks into his pockets for further use*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Later, Dart and Haschel are in Bag End.)  
  
Dart: Fiiiiiiire...  
  
Haschel: Just toss the damn ring in already!  
  
Dart: What? Oh, right. The ring. *throws the ring in*  
  
Lavitz: Isn't it a little weird that Dart is Frodo and his grandfather is Gandalf?  
  
Striker: Yes, well, you as Strider and Rose as Arwen is a little weird too. Therein lies the humor.  
  
Albert: Or the feeble stab at such.  
  
Striker: *glare* Weren't you cowering with your stuffed doggie?  
  
Albert: Huddling with my plush CANINE! Is that so difficult to comprehend?  
  
Dart: *leaning over the fire, trying to see what's happening to the ring* *one of his hair spikes catches on fire* Holy crap! *starts running in circles*  
  
Haschel: *sighs* I cannot believe I am even distantly genetically related to this man.  
  
Dart: Hey, give me a break! I wouldn't have been so close to the fire if I wasn't four feet tall! *hair is now completely consumed in flames*  
  
Striker: I'll let you know when I start caring. You've set youself on fire too many times for me to be interested anymore.  
  
Haschel: *trips Dart with his staff and chuckles* *one of Dart's flaming hair spikes lights his fake beard* CRAP! *starts running around in circles with Dart*  
  
Albert: Ah, the wonders of the human genome.  
  
Striker: Indeed.  
  
(Later, the gang miraculously manages to reach the scene where Haschel is supposed to catch Sam eavesdropping.)  
  
Haschel: Aha! Samwise Gamgee! *holds Sam up by his collar*  
  
Sam: *bites Haschel's hand*  
  
Haschel: *goes into a stream of obscenities* *drops Sam*  
  
Sam: *scampers away on all fours*  
  
Striker: O_o He went into the Old Forest set... we'd better split up and go after him. *divides group into pairs* *hands each pair a walkie talkie* Oh, and one more thing. Since we're not filming... *snaps fingers*  
  
Albert: *shield disappears* What? You can't be serious!  
  
Striker: The shield is merely to prevent potential annoyances during filming. Since we have to break that off while we go find Sam, there's no need for that anymore. Besides, messing with magnetism can cause serious ecology problems. You can mess up the gravity field, and...  
  
Albert: You're just listing plausible excuses so you can get back at me for criticizing your 'writing' ability, aren't you?  
  
Striker: Well... yeah, but that's entirely beside the point.  
  
(A distant stampeding noise is heard.)  
  
Striker: Oh, and by the way, if you wish to keep your status of virginity, I suggest you haul ass.  
  
Albert: I swear, when that shield is back on, you are a dead man.  
  
Striker: *yawn* That's nice. I'll add you to the list. There are about 200 others ahead of you in line, though.  
  
Albert: *had the misfortune of being paired with the revived Shana* Hurry up!  
  
Shana: La la la... *prancing after Albert, occasionally stopping to sniff flowers*  
  
Albert: *eye twitch* *bolts into forest*  
  
Striker: Right. *the pairs split up and go in different directions*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Group 1 Striker and Dart  
  
Day One 4:57 PM  
  
Striker: You have any idea where we are?  
  
Dart: Nope. *trying to set fire to one of the trees, but not succeeding* What is IN thesse damn trees?  
  
Striker: First of all, it's a magic forest. Secondly, this set is maintained by my Author Magic-Powered Biological Simulation System.  
  
Dart: *grumble* What good is a forest if you can't burn it down?  
  
Striker: Cry me a river. It'll go good with the willows.  
  
Dart: *sticks tongue out at author*  
  
Striker: *checks his watch* It's getting close to the hour. We'd better send out a roll call. *pushes button on walkie talkie* Lavitz?  
  
Lavitz: Yo.  
  
Striker: Miranda?  
  
Miranda: &%^$.  
  
Striker: Kongol?  
  
Kongol: *grunts*  
  
Striker: Haschel?  
  
Haschel: Do you have any idea how hard it is to go searching through a thick forest in these damn robes?  
  
Striker: Don't care. Meru?  
  
Meru: *hyperactive Wingly squeal*  
  
Striker: Rose?  
  
Rose: Here.  
  
Striker: Merry?  
  
Merry: What?  
  
Striker: Good enough. Pippin?  
  
Pippin: Hungry...  
  
Striker: Albert?  
  
Albert: Present.  
  
Striker: Shana?  
  
(Silence.)  
  
Striker: Shana?  
  
Albert: She's dead. She got eaten.  
  
Striker Already? We've only been gone five minutes!  
  
Albert: Amazing, isn't it?  
  
Striker: What was it this time?  
  
Albert: Polar bear.  
  
Striker: Polar bear? We're in the middle of the Old Forest! How the hell did a polar bear get in here?  
  
Albert: Must be some sort of animal magnetism. Anticipation of a free meal.  
  
Striker: Ah well, no big loss. OK, another roll call will be sent out at 5:30.  
  
All: Right.  
  
(Transmission ends.)  
  
Dart: Uh... dude... you might wanna look at this.  
  
Striker: *looks up*  
  
(A crude stick figure midget with spikey hair is hanging from in a nearby tree.)  
  
Striker: That's supposed to be you.  
  
Dart: *shrugs* So? I've got a Soul Eater, a Divine Dragoon Spirit, and innumerable magical fireworks stuffed in every place imaginable on my person. What have I got to be afraid of?  
  
Striker: Okay, I really didn't need to hear that last one. Who do you think did it?  
  
Dart: Who cares?  
  
(A transmission is picked up by their walkie talkie. Static crackles for a few seconds, then Albert's voice comes on.)  
  
Albert: Guys?  
  
Striker: What's up?  
  
Albert: There is something seriously weird going on in here.  
  
Striker: What is it?  
  
Albert: Well...  
  
(Albert's voice is abruptly cut off. Static crackles for a couple of seconds, then Albert starts screaming.)  
  
Dart: The fangirls must have finally caught up with the poor guy. Oh well, at least now he'll be able to teach Emille a thing or two.  
  
Striker: Not now, I think I can hear something else in the background!  
  
(Albert's screaming continues.)  
  
Dart: Damn, he screams like a little girl.  
  
Striker: Dart, shut up. *smacks him upside the head*  
  
(Albert's screaming stops.)  
  
Striker: Albert?  
  
(After a few seconds of static, a new voice comes on.)  
  
Walkie Talkie: Potatoes... Pootaaaaaaaaaaaaaatoes...  
  
Striker and Dart: *look at each other*  
  
Striker: ...the... hell?  
  
Dart: Seriously. I didn't know walkie talkies could speak!  
  
Striker: *smacks him upside the head* They can't!  
  
Dart: But it said...  
  
Striker: I know what it said! That's whoever is on the other end, not the walkie talkie itself.  
  
Dart: Then why didn't you just put the person's name?  
  
Striker: Because we don't know who the person is!  
  
Dart: You're the author. Aren't you supposed to know these things?  
  
Striker: *eye twitch*  
  
Author's Note: A parody of The Blair Witch Project inside a parody of The Lord of The Rings. How odd. Even though I never saw that movie, I'm still doing a parody of it. Don't ask why. I advise taking advantage of Albert's vulnerable state, before we either find Sam or the remainder of his sanity is finally shattered. Okey dokey, I realize that had very little to do with the movie, or with LOTR at all for that matter, but if you're expecting this to always stick to a plot, then you obviously don't know me very well. 


	3. Why he would chuck as much would as a wo...

Author's Note: Yeah, I suppose I might as well put other people in this one, considering that Shade and Harle are kinda already in this chapter, Harle more because she wrote herself in, but that's OK. This alternative is much funnier than the one I had planned anyway.  
  
OK, new casting developments. Savan is indeed Elrond, and I ditched Emille and Lisa and chose Charle for Galadriel. Sorry, but the thought of an ancient Wingly on LSD (I swear, she IS taking hallucinogenes! Just like Zeig!) playing an Elven queen was just too much to resist. Greham will be playing Boromir, and for Faramir I eventually chose Syuveil. Sorry if that bugs anyone.  
  
The title wasn't supposed to have anything to do with it. That's the point. Random insanity and whatnot.  
  
Aw, go and ruin the suspense why don't you, Harle? Nah, I'm joking.  
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Group 2: Lavitz and Miranda Day 2 6:28 AM  
  
(Lavitz and Miranda are trudging through the imitation Old Forest. Miranda is spewing forth the longest unbroken chain of obscenities known to mankind, while Lavitz is wondering how he got stuck with the Sacred Sister.)  
  
Miranda: %^&$ @#$% *^&% $#$% @^$% #$^% &^#$ @#%^... *breathes* &$%# %$^& @#$% %#%$ #@#% &$%^ #$&% @#$% #$%^...  
  
Lavitz: *sigh* I knew Eowen was supposed to be slightly unorthodox, but I think this was a slight miscast...  
  
(At this point, Dart and Striker stumble into the same clearing, the shrunken pyromaniac regaling the author with a detailed story of how he set a sleeping cow on fire.)  
  
Dart: And then it woke up, and it kicked me in the head, and then... actually, I don't remember too much after that...  
  
Striker: So that's how it happened...  
  
Dart: How what happened?  
  
Striker: Eh, nevermind.  
  
Lavitz: Trade you.  
  
Miranda: ^&%$ #$%^ @#$% ^&$% #$%&...  
  
Striker: *shrugs* Sure.  
  
Lavitz: Thank Soa. *shoves Miranda in Dart's general direction* Let's go.  
  
Striker: *blinks* Oh. I thought you meant switch them.  
  
Lavitz: Why exactly would I prefer Pyro-Gremlin-Boy over PMSing-Knight-in- need-of-some-SERIOUS-Botox?  
  
Striker: Good point.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Group 1 ½: Striker and Lavitz Day 2 6:32 AM  
  
Lavitz: OK, do we have any idea where Albert was when we lost contact with him?  
  
Striker: Do you have any idea where we are now?  
  
Lavitz: Uh... no.  
  
Striker: I rest my case.  
  
(A figure waving a gigantic hammer runs through the woods nearby.)  
  
Lavitz: O_o Was that Meru?  
  
Striker: Nah, Shade.  
  
Shade: TICKS MUST DIE!  
  
Lavitz: Oh yeah, I remember now. She's that psychotic midget with the tick mallet who wrote that fic where Lloyd and I get drunk and go on cow-tipping sprees and then we accidentally glued ourselves together during a spitting contest.  
  
Striker: Yup. I was laughing for about four days after reading that.  
  
(A polar bear ambles into the clearing.)  
  
Lavitz: Is that the same one that ate Shana?  
  
Striker: Who knows how many polar bears could be wandering through this forest?  
  
Lavitz: Did that last sentence just sound weird to you?  
  
Striker: Yup.  
  
Lavitz: Are you the same polar bear that ate Shana?  
  
Polar Bear: *regurgitates Shana*  
  
Lavitz: No, no, we were just asking. You can keep her. Please.  
  
Polar Bear: *walks away*  
  
Lavitz: Damn.  
  
Striker: You had to open your mouth, didn't you?  
  
Lavitz: Well how was I supposed to know the overgrown furball swallowed her whole?  
  
Shana: Eeeeww... Dart! *starts running towards Dart and Miranda, who have not moved from the clearing due to the fact that neither noticed that the groups switched because they were too busy spouting their respective streams of useless babble*  
  
Dart: *stops just as he was getting to the part where Doel massacred the horde of angry cows that he 'accidentally' set on fire when he hears Shana's voice* *starts twitching*  
  
Lavitz: O_o He looks like he's having a seizure.  
  
Shana: *sniffle* Dart...  
  
Dart: *turns around to look at her* *snaps* For crying out loud, wench, get over it!  
  
All minus Dart and Shana: O_O *stare in shock*  
  
Shana: *starts bawling*  
  
Dart: What the hell are you all staring at? For years, it's always been the same! 'Dart, do this', or 'Dart, save me here', or 'Dart, brush my %^$&ING PONY'!  
  
Striker: Shana has a pony?  
  
Dart: No, but that's not the damn POINT!  
  
Miranda: &^%$ @#$% #$%^ &^$% $#$^ &^$% #$@# ^%#$ ^$#@ #$%# @^&% #$%^ @#%^! *stops tape recorder* YES! Guiness Book of World Records, here I ^&%$ing come!  
  
Dart: *continues, not hearing Miranda* NONE of this was mentioned in my contract! Sony told me I would be able to create flashy explosions and slice things open. They never said anything about her! Then I get stuck with this saintly, whiny, annoying, fainting, useless... *starts kicking Shana*  
  
All, even Miranda: O_O  
  
Shana: *curls up into a tiny ball*  
  
Dart: You know what else? Do you know what she does when she's asleep? She...  
  
Striker: *cuts him off* I think you'd better stop there. Just in case. Wouldn't want to jepordize the rating.  
  
Dart: *takes a couple deep breaths, eye twitches*  
  
Striker: Done?  
  
Dart: *sighs* Eh, more or less. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to say that?  
  
Striker: I think I can imagine.  
  
Lavitz: OK, this has been very... educational and all, but what about Albert?  
  
(Just then, a hooded figure walks by dragging Albert.)  
  
Striker: O_o *blink* Wait a second... that wasn't what was supposed to happen...  
  
Lavitz: What do you mean 'supposed to happen'?  
  
Striker: *suddenly realizes he's let a major secret slip* Erm... I invoke the Fifth Amendment.  
  
Albert: *manages to get his gag off, who knows how* Are you people that mentally challenged? He's the author! He knows everything that's going to happen before it happens, even the way you're going to react! This entire fic is just one giant mind game!  
  
Lavitz: You PLANNED all of this?  
  
Striker: *Memo to self: Take down Albert's shield at random point during filming.* I'm not saying anything without a lawyer.  
  
Lavitz: Why you little...  
  
Striker: Right, time to go! *snaps fingers and everyone except Albert reappears at the set*  
  
Lavitz: What about Albert?  
  
Striker: Eh, let them have him for a while. He's not even in the movie yet anyway.  
  
Lavitz: You're an evil little sadist, you know that?  
  
Striker: Damn proud too. Besides which, you call me 'little' again, and I'll shackle you to Shana for a month.  
  
Lavitz: What about Sam? *points to the gardner hobbit, who is busy scratching himself with one of his feet*  
  
Striker: Rabies. Got bitten by the shrew that ate Shana.  
  
Shana: *sniff*  
  
Lavitz: Which one?  
  
Striker: Good question.  
  
(Is everyone in this fic a total moron?)  
  
Striker: Quiet, you. *starts poking the narrator with a staff*  
  
(Hey, cut that out! Damn it, boy! Oh, right. Narrating. Everyone turns to look at the idiotic author, who is busy poking the almighty all-knowing narrator who is represented to puny mortals as a cloud bank that flashes whenever said omnipotent being speaks.)  
  
Striker: Do I detect a hint of bias in that statement?  
  
(Shut up. Stop poking me, already!)  
  
Lavitz: Is that Gandalf's staff?  
  
Striker: ...Maybe... *resumes poking narrator* Come out of there!  
  
(Fine! The clouds part, revealing the amazing...)  
  
All: *gasp*  
  
Lavitz: Dad?  
  
Greham: SERVI? O_O  
  
(Servi: *grumble*)  
  
Striker: *smiles*  
  
(Servi: I'm starting to regret I took this job.)  
  
Lavitz: Dad... you're not... dead?  
  
(Servi: Of course I'm dead! See, this is why I told Sony to do this in the first place!)  
  
Lavitz: You arranged to die with Sony? Why would you do this?  
  
Greham: *starts crying* They made me do it!  
  
(Servi: Yeah, I told them to kill me, because the two of you were always so damn clingy! I'm not going to raise no pansy! My death made you a man, and then you go off and get yourself killed by some Wingly pansy! Pansy, pansy, pansy! The whole world is full of pansies!)  
  
Doel: Amen to that, brother.  
  
Shana: *gets trampled by an elk*  
  
All: O_o  
  
Author's Note: Bizarre ending to a bizzare chapter, but it was fun to write. Mwahahaha... okey dokey, I'll be quiet now. 


	4. The Orange Box of Evil

Author's Note: You... WANT to be Gollum? O_o Didn't see that coming. Sure, I guess. If anyone wants to be in the story, you can just ask. If you want a role, you can ask that too, but I can't guarantee anything. Yeah. If you want Albert, you're just gonna hafta wait a while until he escapes or until I'm forced to bring him back, whichever comes first. Otherwise, sure. I don't care.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
(Servi: Back to this fic, which appears to be next on the author's parody rotation cycle, which isn't actually a cycle more as whichever work of gaming, cinema, or literature he feels like butchering at any particular moment.)  
  
Striker: Hey! Stick to 'parody rotation cycle'! It makes it sound more like I know what I'm doing.  
  
(Servi: Pfft. As if.)  
  
Striker: *thwacks the cloud bank with Gandalf's staff* Shaddap. Stay with the script.  
  
(Servi: What script?)  
  
Striker: O_o Oh yeah... there isn't one, is there? *blink* Oh well. We'll improv, then.  
  
Lavitz: Isn't that what this entire fic is to begin with?  
  
Striker: Well... yeah. Your point?  
  
Lavitz: *shrug*  
  
Dart: So I'm stuck being short again, right?  
  
Striker: Yup.  
  
Dart: *groan*  
  
Striker: Okey dokey, where'd we leave off... ah yes... the going-away party.  
  
Lloyd: Yes, you're such a horrible author that we've spent three chapters doing about four pages of the book.  
  
Striker: Lloyd?  
  
Lloyd: Yes?  
  
Striker: *points at him* Bang. You're dead.  
  
Lloyd: *falls over, dead*  
  
Lavitz: O_o Whoa... how did you do that?  
  
Striker: Simple. He's too stupid to realize it was just my finger and not a real gun. Stupid Wingly.  
  
Lloyd: *wakes up* Racist, RACIST! I'm gonna sic Al Sharpton on you!  
  
Striker: O_O NO, not Al Sharpton! *hides* Don't let him get me...  
  
Miranda: $@#% #$^@ $%#@ ^$&# Al Sharpton?  
  
Striker: Al Sharpton is scary...  
  
Meru: Will you keep it down? I'm TRYING to watch Powerpuff Girls!  
  
Striker: Why does that not surprise me?  
  
Meru: Shut up! Aw... you made me miss the part where Bubbles beats up on the monkey with the big brain.  
  
Striker: Who, Albert?  
  
Lavitz: O_o Ouch. I thought you liked Albert.  
  
Striker: I do, but there are just some opportunities that are just too good to resist. Besides, I make fun of you, Rose, and Dart. Mostly Dart, but that's because he's too easy.  
  
Dart: *looks up after dousing himself in gasoline* Eh? *shrugs and starts flicking his lighter happily*  
  
Striker: See what I mean?  
  
Haschel: How long do you think it'll take him to set himself on fire?  
  
Rose: I've got 20 bucks on less than a minute.  
  
Haschel: Pfft. 30 on less than 45 seconds.  
  
Rose: 50 on less than 30.  
  
Haschel: You're on.  
  
Dart: *whole body goes up in flames* Ahhh! I've been betrayed by Zippo and the funny-smelling stuff that burns! *runs in circles*  
  
Haschel: How long was that?  
  
Rose: *checks watch* ...4 and a half seconds.  
  
Haschel: Damn. I knew I should gone for 20 seconds...  
  
Rose: Boo hoo. Fork it over, geezer.  
  
Haschel: *grumbles and hands Rose the fifty bucks* Who are you calling a geezer anyway? You're, what, eleventy billion years old?  
  
Rose: *fingers rapier* Watch it, Magic-Boy.  
  
Striker: Pfft. Bob, you both suck. One would think you could be a little more creative than that.  
  
Meru: Awww... everyone's hugging... *wipes tear* *commercials come on* Yay! Commercials!  
  
Striker: Oh, Bob no...  
  
Anonymous Annoying Kid #1: I had dinner with Max last night!  
  
Striker: *starts twitching uncontrollably*  
  
Anonymous Annoying Kid #2: Who?  
  
All: *eating microwave popcorn as Striker goes into a convulsing spasm on the floor*  
  
Anonymous Annoying Kids #3 and 4: MAXARONI!  
  
Striker: NOOOOOO!  
  
(Servi: Cue uber-annoying high-pitched music here.)  
  
Striker: *continues convulsing as the demonic stoned kids' super-high- pitched happy singing eats away at his brain* ARGH, the bad advertising! It burns us, precious, it buuuuurrrns! Nasty hobbitses! NASTY!  
  
Lloyd: O_o What, now you're Gollum?  
  
Striker: *smacks Lloyd, then returns to his agonized twitching*  
  
Lloyd: *gasps* You dare mar my perfection? *sniffles and rubs his head* Ouchies...  
  
Anonymous Annoying Kid #126: Principal alert!  
  
Striker: *restrain snaps* KILL! *starts beating the TV with a frozen salmon* DIE, demons of irritation from the stinky orange box of evil! Feel scaly death at the fins of justice!  
  
Meru: *gasp of horror* My TV! *pounces towards the deranged author*  
  
Striker: *turns on Meru and snaps fingers*  
  
Meru: *turns into a capybara*  
  
Striker: *grabs the capybara Meru* Pretty kittty, yesssss... *pets Meru*  
  
All: O_o  
  
(Servi: As an automatic result of the author snapping his fingers, Shana is also revived, to the great misfortune of all involved.)  
  
Shana: Hi everyone! ^_^ *starts sniffing flowers*  
  
Dart: *looks up from where he was being used to microwave the bags of popcorn, and starts twitching at the sound of Shana's voice* AAAAIIIIIIE! *starts running in circles again, and HAPPENS to catch Shana on fire as well*  
  
Lavitz: Oh, for crying out loud... *douses Dart with a gust of wind*  
  
Dart: *falls over* X_x  
  
Striker: *spins around, for his spasm has appeared to have jarred his brain* Fools! I am MISHAP MAN, purveyor of random accidents! *snaps fingers, and a safe falls on the flaming Shana*  
  
Haschel: Pfft, and he was calling US unoriginal. I mean, how cliché can you get?  
  
Striker: *throws a rabid gerbil at Haschel, who ducks, but the crazed rodent keeps going, and sinks its teeth into a nearby cow, who kicks over a lit kerosene lantern, which lights some of Dart's leftover gasoline, which burns in a straight line and sets Haschel on fire*  
  
Rose: *falls over laughing* Now THAT'S creative!  
  
Doel: *gasp* COW! *eyes glow red, draws swords* Kill cow! *chases after rabid bovine*  
  
Striker: *laughs insanely at the chaos he has caused, then runs off in some random direction to wreak more havoc*  
  
Dart: *gets up* Shouldn't someone go after him?  
  
All: *look at each other* Nah...  
  
Meru: *sqeaks, meows, or whatever sound capybaras make* O_o  
  
Greham: Sooooo... who's up for raiding Blockbuster and making off with free movies and video games?  
  
Miranda: WEEDOG!  
  
Dart: Waaaait... you're allowed to burn things for no reason while raiding, right?  
  
Greham: Yup!  
  
Dart: I'm in!  
  
All: *go off to utterly destroy the nearest Blockbuster*  
  
Kongol: *comes out of the bathroom, where he's been the whole time* Eh?  
  
Meru: *sqeaks, meows, or whatever sound capybaras make*  
  
************************************************************************  
  
(Servi: Meanwhile, Dart's dark army is in a public park. O_o)  
  
Evil Soldier: *chasing after a duck* Dumme ente! Ich hungrig! (Translation: Stupid duck! Me hungry!)  
  
Author's Note: Yup, that had nothing to do with Lord of the Rings or the parody at all. Will Doel catch the rabid cow? What movies will the gang loot from the poor Blockbuster? And will Striker EVER get back to the movie? Probably not! Anyway, I need someone to be Bilbo, so if you have a suggestion, or if you want to be him, just say so in the review! If you want to be in the parody at all, say that too, and a role if you want one. I'll let you know if it's not taken. 


End file.
